Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
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“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
just having fun
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!