how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
βΆ πββββββββ 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
βΆ πββββββββ 74:36:15
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I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90βs television mostly.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like βI had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.β
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldnβt believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum βyou must have the wrong houseβ [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] βSarah died thirteen years ago last night.β
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.