My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
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morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
o shit
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
I don’t hate children, just yours.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie