Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
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[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
our love story in four pictures
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”