Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
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Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)