Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
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I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
The funk soul brother
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings: