I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
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website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Think I pulled my liver
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s