I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
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*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Beauty and the Beast
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.