I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
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[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
Forever 21… pounds overweight
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
The Friday File.
You had me at “define legal”.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no