Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
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That earthquake could have been an email.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
an octopus is just a wet spider
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
This probably isn’t good
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.