This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
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We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
I wish this was real life…
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.