9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
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I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
m’lady
It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u