“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
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I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have