Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
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Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Me if I was a dog
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah