[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
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reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!