Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
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Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Happy Febuary everyone!
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
Namaste
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.