Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
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I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.