with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
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HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
the three genders
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.