“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*

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Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.


If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.


I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.


When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.


“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff


ME: Is this Babies R Us
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager


1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].

Wife: omg he just took his first steps!

Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.


“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Banned from driving.


8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real