“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
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Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
what kind of cook setting is this??
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.