Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
![]()
You Might Also Like
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.