Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
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A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
😅😅😅
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.