interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
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A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
never ask a starfish for directions
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.