People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
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I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
so weird how every mom was born today
My good tweets are in my other pants.
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
When I can’t barge, I careen.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own