How do I rate our solar system?
One star
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Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
My son’s blood type is parmesan.