My son’s blood type is parmesan.
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Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ