My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
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Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.