Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
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Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Xylophonist Shredding It
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.