i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
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My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
Nobody:
God: Make half of them allergic to spring
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.