i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
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I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?