Nobody:
God: Make half of them allergic to spring
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Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.