Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
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“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”