Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
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Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
SPLOOT
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I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
How much for the goth pool noodles?
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I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
So I went to the Doctors yesterday to ask him if he could give me anything for awful wind.
He handed me a kite !!
#mondaymirth
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?