Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
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friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
I hate everything
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.