These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
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Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
My background check bounced.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back