This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
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SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving