I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
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My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
c’mon!
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.