I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
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who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
awkward
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*