England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
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I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!