My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
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When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Art by Pastelkatto
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
.
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.