Art by Pastelkatto
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Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
courtroom exchange of the day
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.