My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
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After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Natty or not?
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*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:![]()
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
when dads have a rap battle
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model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.