My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
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I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2