Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
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Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.