*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
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me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
[Google search history]
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.