Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
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Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Cheer up.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face