@teeaayyyy Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
@Cheeseboy22 Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
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@teeaayyyy 
@thongbeard Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
@JustCallMeFrank Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
@_correctomundo Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
@SondraDeeMe *Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
@tobestewart [watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
@IamEnidColeslaw Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
@GirrlGenius A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
@lakeanagirl I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
@DurtMcHurtt Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.