Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
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Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.