Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
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GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
*aggressively waits in line*
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
tis the season
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.