If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
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Dead sexy!!
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Most fashion shows these days…
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
Worst perfume name ever.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
BRAKING NEWS!!
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling