If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
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Does this dress make me look cat?
#growingpains
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
This is me 🤣🤣
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF