I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
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I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes