Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
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[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.