I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
You Might Also Like
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights