“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
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kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.