[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
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Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
I love wikipedia
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did