Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
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If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
O Wise One….
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Jail
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.