Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
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Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.