Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
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If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
This guy gets it.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*