Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
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Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
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What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
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i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
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*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
you will never know the true number of layers
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[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.