A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
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sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
[shakes fist at other fist]
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Not today, today.
Not today.
wut hotdog?
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
All set.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”